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Hey, Mr. Hanks. Love your work. Did you watch the Oscars? Whose dress was your favorite?

Lisa K.
Torrance, CA

Thanks, Lisa K. I'm sure I'd love your work if I read it (which I won't) and if you were as talented as I am. I'm pleased that you thought to ask a screenwriter his opinions on fashion. For some reason, women rarely ask for our thoughts on the subject. Or frankly any other subject that can't be summed up with the words, "No, thank you", "I just like you as a friend, only less" or "Am I on Scare Tactics?" For my money the hands down winner of Hollywood's biggest night had to be Charlize Theron, who wore a glamorous black Dior number inspired by the second head Richard E. Grant's character grew in the film How to Get Ahead in Advertising. The only thing that could have made it better would have been a small blonde wig pinned on top of the bow. Twice the Charlize is twice the star power!

How do I get a producer to read my screenplay? I don’t have an agent or a manager and I’m not related to any studio heads or Tom Hanks or anyone married to Tom Hanks.

Steven
Ann Arbor, MI

First of all, Steven, I’m glad you mentioned that you are not related to any Hollywood players because that is the first question I ask pie-eyed creative writing majors who have queried a fledgling internet advice column. Being the son or daughter or step niece of a person who runs a studio may seem like a trivial thing to those not gestated in Hollywood’s Gucci-lined womb and suckled to relative maturity on its organic, caviar infused breast milk, but trust me, it can make a big difference when you’re looking for work here. Especially as a screenwriter. Of course, Hollywood legacies have no interest in becoming screenwriters, which should probably tip you off about the glamor and desirability of the job. 

But, hey, you don’t want to hear that negativity. You have typed in the neighborhood of 120 entire pages-- and spell checked them! You have read and/or thoroughly skimmed most of Robert McKee’s Story. You're mom thinks you are very talented. You are going to be the exception to the rule. You don’t care about the bloviated bodies of failed and former screenwriters stacked like cordwood throughout the San Fernando Valley. For you selling a screenplay still means getting an oversized seven figure sweepstakes check hand delivered by Jessica Alba ten seconds after you sign a contract with a major studio who, incidentally, are so blown away by your genius that the only notes they have for you are little exclamation points with smiley faces scribbled in the margins of the scenes where you made them giggle. It's all going to happen for sure if I can just get my script read by Jerry Bruckheimer and Brian Grazer so let’s have some answers, Mert old boy!

You want Swank’s straight dope, junior? Okay. But when you wake up crying at night, don’t blame me, blame the sledgehammer of truth. You can’t get a real producer to read your screenplay if you don’t have representation. Legitimate producers do not have time to read unsolicited manuscripts. Unless, of course, you are related to someone who can help them. But, as we established earlier, you’re not. So go find yourself a shoebox and dig a hole in the backyard and bury that sad, dead little dream of yours.

Done already? Did you get some closure? Was there an open bar at the wake? Ooh-- did they serve those little miniature quiches? A dream’s death can be a great excuse for a good party, you know. It can also create mental space for another, better dream. I think Jai from Queer Eye said that so it must be true.

While you may never get a producer to read your script, you can get a producer’s intern to read your script. And today’s interns are tomorrow’s producers, so take the opportunity to charm them now. Interns become producers by helping their bosses sell projects to the studios, or by finding material to sell to the studios themselves. Of course, since they are only interns and have no development money (they would need to have a studio deal, or perhaps be related to someone running a studio) they can’t just go out and buy scripts. And they can’t expect working screenwriters to supply them with free options on material-- that’s the job of the producer's assistant. So the best way for them to find material is to scrape the bottom of the barrel, which is where they will find you and your script.

So, Steven, my advice is to invest the money budgeted for your Primate Social Behavior course pack (you don't need it, trust me) in a copy of the Hollywood Creative Directory and find every production company whose projects appear to reflect your taste. Then memorize every name on their company rosters. These are the names of all the people who don’t give a saucy fart about your script. Do not waste your time on them. The person you want to reach out to is the intern who answers the phone. They aren’t listed on the roster because they don’t matter to anyone but you and the food delivery guy. But two years from now? When that intern is a psychotic producer and needs a $150,000 a week polish or $12 panini delivered to Tahiti who is he (or she) gonna call?