Starting next week, University of Michigan alumnus and proud UMEC member Merton Swank answers your questions about writing in, for and in spite of Hollywood. He welcomes any and all questions about the craft of screenwriting and life in the general vicinity of the entertainment industry, but warns that you may not like the answers. Questions should be submitted to: . 

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Everywhere I go-- from Starbucks' to Baja Fresh to the bathroom at Starbucks'-- people want to know what it's really like to be a Hollywood screenwriter.  They don't ask, of course.  This is Los Angeles.  Nobody ever says what's really on their mind.  Instead they send coded messages, trying to get me to volunteer the information so they won't have to look stupid for caring.  "Are you in line?"  "What can I get for you?"  "What is that smell?"  I've heard them all, folks.  They want to hear how it's done.  Learn how they can stick their foot into Hollywood's back door.  Slip under the velvet rope of my brain without being seen and access the secrets to becoming a well paid, over-caffeinated hermit with an unlimited reserve of daytime television viewing opportunities.

They seem to expect me to give up my secrets for free. Secrets that I earned through hard work, fierce dedication and the artistic vision to see that the world doesn't need another cop movie about a by-the-book detective partnered with a street-wise loose cannon who speaks jive.  No, what it needs is a cop movie about a by-the-book detective partnered with a street-wise CGI chocolate lab who speaks jive.  This dog demanded to have his day. He refused to be kept on a leash. Oh, yeah.  Start writing those "b---h" jokes for the trailer right now because this concept is brick, baby!

(NOTE: The preceding paragraph has already been optioned for a name director by a major studio.  The only thing else I know-- and this is just the word on the street-- is that Ludacris and Paul Sorvino have been looking for a project to do together for a long time.)

So when UMEC asked me if I'd be interested in writing a Q & A column for their website for free, well, I told them where they cram it.  Actually my manager did, but I told him to tell them where they could cram it.  Although my manager usually has his assistant turn down requests for my time from charities, churches, veterans' organizations and alumni websites so, in all likelihood he's the one who told them where they could cram it.  Also, he's Canadian and they tend to be very polite so he probably didn't actually specifically say they could cram it.  He probably told them that I was very busy and lots of irons in the fire and how I had a new baby and had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and probably couldn't commit to more than 3 or 4 columns a week.  Which I guess is probably how UMEC got the impression that I was interested.

So, I said yes.  It's Hollywood, after all, and you never want to offend anyone in Hollywood because they could end up running a studio someday.  And if you don't think that's possible, take a look at the a--clowns in charge right now.  I should note for any studio heads reading that when I say "in charge" I mean in charge of maintenance.  Or duping.  Those guys are real schmucks.

Here's how it will work.  You send your questions into my administrative staff at the UMEC and, after they do a couple drafts of the answer, I will come in, punch it up for wide release and take all the credit.  No question is too shallow (this is Hollywood, after all).  Questions containing scenes, outlines, ideas, pitches and/or haikus will not be read.  Any similarity said questions bear to projects developed by Merton Swank Productions, no matter how uncanny, is strictly coincidental.  All answers are copyrighted and registered WGA. E-mail your query to .